Having An Eating Disorder Isn’t A Sign You’re A Failure

Hi friend! Thank you so much for joining me on my very first episode. I've been wanting to start this podcast for a long time, so yay, it’s finally here! 

I am here to help women on their wellness journeys and specifically I am going to be speaking to those who are dealing with toxic body image and those who might be dealing with an eating disorder. That is what I am focusing on right now and speaking to. 

I'm not much for sugar coating things or beating around the bush, so today I'm gonna get right to it. I want to address something that I struggled with big time when I was in the thick of my eating disorder. It was a belief I had. It was the belief that I was a failure because I had an eating disorder. I am here to tell you, having an eating disorder is not a sign you're a failure. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong and it sure as heck doesn't mean you're a bad person.

It simply is a signal that your soul needs attention, your mind needs healing and you need to reconnect with yourself.

Let me tell you a quick story to give you some perspective on this so you kind of understand where I'm coming at this idea of viewing  yourself as a failure.

When I was struggling I would see people living their daily lives, smiling and laughing and enjoying themselves at social functions and family functions and I was trying to mimic their outward appearance. I was trying to be happy. But on the inside I was sad and I was miserable. 

And here's the thing right, like I was perceiving their smiles as kind of like a sign of success, right, but I didn't know what they were going through. They could have been dealing with their own personal demons. They could have been having a hard time on the inside and just projecting what they wanted others to see as well. But I would still perceive their happiness as a sign of failure for me. Because I wanted their smile. I wanted joy. I deeply, deeply, I was so desperate to feel ok with being myself.

No matter where I went, I would see all different body types, all the body types being happy, it was really hard. 

I would tell myself, “see they've got it figured out. Why can’t you figure this out? Are you not smart enough, or what is the deal”. 

That’s where that whole thing came from, that feeling of, I was a failure and I was a bad person. It really was a part of my personality as well. If you are a type one on the Enneagram, if you are a highly sensitive person, if you're just that intense, driven, moralistic, perfectionistic type of person, I deeply relate. I can empathize with you and sympathize with you and what you are going through. 

I want to bring awareness to this belief, this thought that I had, because for one, it took me a long time to even realize I was doing this. I was internalizing so much of my pain that when I was thinking these negative things about myself, like taking it as a sign of failure that I was faking that I was happy and enjoying myself out at these social functions. I was not happy in my body. I was taking that as a sign of failure. But I didn't know I was thinking this. It took me a very long time to realize this because I would shut down so much. I wouldn't allow myself to feel.

Whenever I'd get uncomfortable then I would shut down even further so I wouldn't allow myself to identify what I was feeling and acknowledge my emotions and what I was feeling 'cause it was just too painful. I want to tell you that the first thing you need to do is identify those emotions. Let yourself be self aware. Open yourself up to feeling what you're feeling. Identify what you're feeling, name it, work through it and then move forward.

First we must start with awareness. That is what today's episode is all about. Being aware of the beliefs we have about ourselves and how they relate to our body image and how they relate to our eating disorder. 

This is meant to be a little pep talk and for you to use it as a reflection technique or a practice. I want to specify, obviously the belief “I am a bad person because I have an eating disorder” or “I'm doing something wrong”, is a lie. Those are lies we tell ourselves. And whenever we face a lie we need to combat it with a truth. The truth I'm gonna leave you with today is a Bible verse. Ephesians chapter 2 verse 10 says, “for we are God's masterpiece He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago”.

I share this with you because I want you to know you are a masterpiece. When God looks at you He sees you for the beautiful creation you are. We can be so hard on ourselves that we can't always see what God sees when He looks at us. It's something to be aware of. When you're stuck in those beliefs, if you start telling yourself those lies, “I’m not good because I have an eating disorder” or “I’m a bad person” or “I'm a failure”, stop and remind yourself that you are a masterpiece. God has great things planned for you. And healing is one of them. It takes work. There's inner work involved. But I just wanted to start having this little pep talk and addressing something that seems rather simple but the simple things still need to be brought up. It's the simple things that are the answers. And that is what I wanted to focus on today. Bringing up those negative beliefs and batting them out of the park. Get them out of here!

Know that you are loved. You are a masterpiece. You are good. You are so good simply because you are a child of God. You don't have to worry, you don't have to strive so hard to be good and prove you're not a failure.

Thank you so much for being here. Let’s continue the conversation next week. See you then!